i am struggling to gather the pieces of myself that have my brother’s signature on them, and there are a lot. i warned my husband and best friend that this is going to be really bad. i am broken and broken-hearted.

ethan is gone.

i keep saying aloud, ‘no.’ as if saying it could make it true. i am finding him everywhere i look exactly as i did when he was alive and just across the country, except now i can’t message him to tell him he’s on my mind. all i want is him near me so i went on an expedition to unpack boxes i’ve neglected since i moved over a year ago. there are little things i was saving that i needed to hold. his old business card. the dvds he made. my copy of hitchhiker’s. a vhs tape of a music video from high school. my ex’s (his childhood best friend) old films. i can’t bring myself to watch anything yet but knowing i could put my hands on them at any moment is keeping me afloat.

i have barely left my living room decked out in fallout collectibles, an obsession he grew in me. the funny soda can pigs he made me with a pocket knife are around my house. i had only seen him a handful of times since he left the state and still he was in my daily life. i feel like i’m missing a limb.

i don’t know how to be without him. it’s hard to think. my local surrogate family has rallied around me hard and i am incredibly lucky to have a place to fall apart, which is exactly what i’ll be doing for the foreseeable future. he’s changed my life twice now, knowing him and losing him. i owe him so much that i’ll never get the chance to repay face-to-face. i sent him a link to my last entry when i first posted, and made a point to tell him who he was to me any chance i got: my family. that i saw him working hard and knew he deserved to see every dream he had come true. he earned that more than most and it’s not fucking fair.

i will never forget a light so brilliant and warm, no matter the distance. i love you always, my beautiful brother.

(brittany, me, & ethan, who had just slathered my nose in ice cream before the camera timer snapped the photo. october 2015)


Street & Gallery


I’m definitely guilty of scrolling past a video in my feed that is past a bizarre and arbitrary “time scale.” In retrospect, under 20 minutes doesn’t seem like much time but in the internet world it is an ice age-length. But this was like breakfast for my soul upon waking. Take the time.

Dioniso Punk

Borondo cov

The punk rock connection to graffiti is as strong as any subculture’s — or of any people who feel marginalized in effect or practice by the dominant culture preventing their voice. The narrative the graffiti belonging exclusively to Hip Hop has been posited and disproved over time although as Jesus said, “Graffitti belongs to everyone.”

Modern French academics and intellectuals have celebrated graffiti and Street Art by way of political protest at least since the late 1960s and early 70s, first with the Situationists and later with the aesthetics and artistry of people like Ernest Pignon-Ernest and Gérard Zlotykamien.

In “Street & Gallery” we see that the need for expression, illegal and otherwise, is as urgent as ever in the Street Art scene in Rome today and for many it is a means to express opinions and philosophies that they hope will in turn push greater society forward in some…

View original post 215 more words